I was never into Legolas. As a nerdy kid who read fanfiction about The Strokes and my mom’s weirdly sexual mystery books, I was more into the quiet rugged dirtiness of Aragorn. Strider, if you’re nasty. I was so into him that I had an action figure of the sword-wielding hunk on my shelf for many more years than I’d like to admit. While my lust for him is eternal, it turns out that many (read: more normal) people tend to grow out of their taste for certain Lord of the Rings characters – opting instead to pine over ones who are a bit more attainable. TikToker @critiquegeek expertly explains it all in this incredibly detailed video.
See, @critiquegeek’s theory is that if you’re attracted to men, Legolas is naturally the first character you’ll gravitate toward when you’re younger. He’s got it all: pretty face, long and lustrous blonde hair (with braids!) – and is sexy “but not in an intimidating way.” While this was not my personal experience (I was kind of attracted to Treebeard?), I can confirm that every one of my tweenaged friends had a creepy kid crush on the expert archer and shield-surfing elf. There’s just one catch: Legolas is entirely unattainable.
The next phase of Lord of the Rings-based horniness obviously lands us at Aragorn’s sexy mud-covered boots. In her video, @critiquegeek refers to him as “Sword Husband.” She explains that once the hormones kick in, his grimy ruggedness and epic-door busting simply oozes sex appeal. But alas. He, too, is unattainable. So we settle into the next phase: reserving our affections for “Bi plant daddy” – who is represented by Samwise Gamgee.
He may not be the heartthrob of the group, but as the video explains that he is the “attainable yet equally desirable paragon of masculinity.” She goes on to say that he will take care of you. We know this is true because we’ve all seen how he cared for Frodo. He carried his best friend all the way up Mount Doom!
Beyond taking care of you, @critiquegeek emphasizes that this kind of guy will definitely give you snacks. He’s not afraid of commitment. He’s ready to settle down with you and live a happy, quiet life. Most importantly, she says he wouldn’t think twice when you bring home that sixth cat. While I’m still aching for Aragorn, this TikToker makes a great case for the theory. And she’s not alone.
It turns out the phenomenon that this TikTok describes is very far from new. This tweet from @ek_weeks was shared in 2018 echoes @critiquegeek’s explanations perfectly – describing Samwise Gamgee as “ultimate husband goals.”
While it all makes sense to this thirty-something, some people in the comments aren’t as convinced. I believe that the erasure of Theoden should be addressed. Other TikTokers shared their own (and less weird) thoughts on the matter.
Whatever you feel about this nerdy study of parasocial relationships, we can establish that The Lord of the Rings really made an impact on people who are attracted to men. And, of course, people like me, who are attracted to Ents.